Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is a condition I have had all my life. I have discovered AS is a mild form of autism and it affects people differently. Mine affects me through sensitivity to noise. I was diagnosed at 17.

It all began when I was about one-and-a-half-years-old when, during my birthday, I did not like loud noises, such as balloons bursting or crackers being pulled. I also didn't like thunder.

I didn't have many friends at school - I was often bullied because I was different. When I was in the small school, I got picked on by the teacher because I had problems with maths and once he humiliated me in front of the pupils. I was glad when I left that school.

Then I went to secondary school, Ysgol Brynrefail. I never went out with the other pupils and I realise now that was the beginning of my problem of not being able to socialise. But I started karate and I used to do bodybuilding. My other hobby was steam trains. I once wrote a letter to the newspaper in support of the new Welsh Highland Railway and they published my story in the paper! I was very proud.

When I was 14 we moved to Bangor and lived on a council estate called Maesgeirchen (Maes G). My family and I had a very difficult time there because the children would throw stones at the windows of our house, even on the first day we moved in.

My first real problems with sensitivity to noise appeared when I went on a bus to town, because there was a very small child and she started to cry - that made me very stressed and upset. Then we went on holiday to Bulgaria. The noise of the children didn't bother me there too much, but when I turned 15 things started to get worse. In 1997 I started to wear ear plugs. I went to Marmaris, Turkey, in August that year, and my sensitivity to noise became much worse. At the end of that year, we moved to Tan-Y-Maes, another council estate, but very small with only about 12 houses. But there were a lot of children there. There were also lots of dogs. At first I had the front bedroom, but during the summer months children were playing football outside and they were screaming and shouting and I was very sensitive to the noise. Then I moved to the back bedroom but the dogs in next door's garden barked all the time and things became worse and worse.

I tried several suicide attempts (I tried to suffocate myself with my pillows) because I did not know what was going on inside me and I started to get depressed. Finally in 1999 when I was 17 I was diagnosed with AS.

That year me and my mother went to London for a holiday. I had a lot of difficulty coping with the noise there because I had to go on buses and they were overcrowded with people and there were a lot of small children on the buses. I tried to block out the noise by listening to my personal stereo but I could still hear the noise of the children and once I got angry. I banged on the back of the seat and the bus driver told me and my mother to get off the bus.

When we went back home I had to go to college. I sometimes went to the shops and I had a friend there. We went to Safeways and outside the store there was a little girl aged about two, and she was calling for her mother. I lost my temper and started screaming. My friend tried to calm me down as we walked away but I kept on shouting. This was all because of the sensitivity to noise and probably because of my bullying.

In 2000 I started to have fantasies that stopped me looking at television or even at people. I closed my eyes all the time when I was indoors and when I went out I had to wear very dark sunglasses. I couldn't even look at my grandmother or mother. I went to Hergest Unit (a mental institution). I became very depressed and I was prescribed Resperidone, which helped to lessen the fantasies and the sensitivity to noise. I became very depressed and was prescribed Seroxat and later Procyclodene. But I was still sensitive to noise and I did not like the noise at Hergest because of the alarm testes and sometimes children would visit the unit and I was getting frustrated. I was then sent to Coedlys in Llangefni for a few months. The second time I went there I really did not like it. I was badly treated here. I can remember we had to finish the food and once one of the patients there was forced to eat all his dinner. One day I went to sleep and when I woke up one of the staff walked in and told me off because I had missed tea. She said: "I have called you five times for tea, I hope you sleep tonight". I hated the noise there because people were talking loudly and laughing and I felt very lonely and depressed. I remember one occasion when I left the table, one of the staff grabbed my arm tightly and pulled me back to the table. I had told them I had AS but they didn't try to understand.

Sometimes I was forced to go to the shops but I didn't like to go because of my condition. One of the staff nurses forced me out of the van. Because I did not want to go into the shop she started to lose her temper. So I had to wait outside and there were children coming in and out of the shops. Some of the children were making a lot of noise and I became very stressed. Then we went back to Coedlys. I could not socialise with the people there because it is part of AS. There was a nurse there in her 40s. She was horrible and very bossy. I could understand that I had to learn to clean the bedsheets and clothes but she did not treat me very well. Sometimes there was a man who would come in and check the fire alarm and I would get very frustrated. I can understand it is important to check the alarm, but the noise was bothering me. I was glad when I left Coedlys, but when I went back home things were getting pretty bad because every time I took my ear plugs out, I got very stressed. If I wanted to watch a film I heard the dogs barking and it made me angry. So I kept my ear plugs in all the time. I didn't like people knocking on the walls or drilling or the loud music from the neighbours' houses.

My grandmother lived in a flat. The man upstairs was knocking something into the wall. My grandmother was out at the time and I lost my temper and started shouting. I also swore, then the knocking stopped. I didn't tell my grandmother. But I don't like her living there because the man upstairs has a brother and sometimes they play music loudly and I can't rest.

Then my mother and I moved to a maisonette opposite my grandmother. It was much quieter here but now I'm also sensitive to the noise of the seagulls and I get annoyed and angry when they appear, which is all the time because we live very close to the sea.

In 2001, when I was 19, my grandmother and mother went on holiday because they needed a break. They both cried a lot when they left me. But I can cook small meals for myself. I was very sad that I couldn't go with them because of my condition.

I used go to my grandmother's flat every day and stay there all day because I could not go out. I slept most of the day. I could not go out because there were children around and I was sensitive to the noise they made and also to the noise of dogs and car horns. I only walked out at night time when people were not around.

I have tea at my grandmother's flat every day because the oven in my mother's flat does not work but I do nothing in my grandmother's flat. It makes me feel very depressed and very lonely.

During the summer of this year, my fantasies returned and I was sent back to Hergest. I stayed there for two months and I hated it. There was a lot of noise from the other people and they had to test the alarms quite often. My doctor did not try and understand me and I even swore at myself in front of him because my life was hell and I wanted him to know how bad I felt. He was very unsympathetic.

But while in Hergest I became very determined to get better and to try and make myself happier. I didn't want the drugs because they just made me sleep all day. Before, when I came off Seroxat, I had very bad fantasies - sometimes food would turn into horrible things like worms and snails. So I did not ever want to go back on Seroxat. So I told my doctor that I would not take any more tablets. The doctor felt there was nothing more he could do for me so I was sent back home.

My sensitivity to noise is still very, very bad. It's like somebody hitting me with a metal bar full force and the noise is violent and makes me angry. I am depressed because of this and I feel like trying to kill myself. I feel my illness is like the pain of death - the force of the noise feels like it's attacking my heart and goes on for a long time. When I hear a noise even for a second it actually lasts for at least ten minutes - the effects are much worse than the noise itself. Even listening to music doesn't help - the noise just carries on.

I would like more than anything to live a normal life, just like anyone else. I would love to have a girlfriend but things are so complicated for me. Some parents out there might recognise some of these symptoms and I want them to be aware that their children might have AS. I want them to make sure they get as much help for their children as possible. I was very unlucky because I was diagnosed much too late to be able to get any proper help. I am angry at the way I have been treated - especially now that I have pretty much been left to manage on my own. The health service here is terrible and everyone who has dealt with me has been unsympathetic. They don't even try to understand what AS is and they try to make me do things that make me stressed, like going out for a walk.

But I know it's important to try and stay positive for the future. So I am getting myself fit and losing weight. Hopefully when I feel better about myself my sensitivity to noise will decrease and I can live a more normal life.

I just want a better future.

Raymond Paul Morgan. September 2003.